When I was younger, I always thought I was different because I didn’t navigate social situations well. Phrases like “I feel lonely” and “feeling like an alien” were often in my head! It wasn’t easy for me to fit in with other kids. And whenever someone didn’t understand me, I’d just retreat further into myself. It was a vicious cycle. First, I’d feel like nobody understands me, then I’d say something strange, and they’d look at me like I was a total weirdo. And then, because of that, I’d feel like nobody understands me again! I’d watch other kids and often feel envious. I always thought it was easy for many of them to socialize with different kids, to easily blend in, while for me, it was an impossible mission. I had very few friends, to the point of having only one friend, if not less, every four years.
So, I retreated into the world of books 📚, I read, I drew and painted, I played games… All of this led me to become an introvert to the core! When I started college, for a moment, I even thought that maybe I’m an extrovert because everyone seemed so relaxed, inviting me to parties, I was hanging out with many people. I liked that world, honestly. Every week, there was a new party, I met various people from different parts of Serbia and the Balkans. But, but, but… I still somehow felt lonely because I didn’t have a deep connection with anyone, the kind I longed for. Honestly, I didn’t even know who I was, so I didn’t know exactly what I was looking for in others.
I Always Yearned for Something Deeper…
However, I knew one thing – I always yearned for a deep connection. I believed that for each of us, there’s that one person who can provide us with everything. I fantasized that such a person would be my romantic partner. In fact, this understanding that there’s an ideal and perfect person for each of us was precisely the reason for thoughts like “I feel lonely” and “I have no one to hang out with!” I waited for someone with whom I would click one hundred percent! I didn’t even know how wrong that was.
I only had one deep friendship with a girl and I really liked that relationship. We could talk about everything 👭. I started building that relationship when I was 14. She became my best friend, and she was actually a cousin I saw a few times a year. We regularly communicated and kept in touch. And somehow, that was okay. Having even one true friend is a treasure, isn’t it? At least, that’s what I used to think. I turned to her and neglected other relationships to build a close bond with her. When I was with her, I didn’t need a boyfriend – we had so much fun! Even when I had a boyfriend, she was still the one with whom I had the best relationship.
Feeling Like an Alien Came Back when Life Threw Me an Unpleasant Surprise…
But life sometimes throws unpleasant surprises. She passed away two years ago due to illness. I was 28 at the time, and she was the only person with whom I managed to build a very close relationship. When it happened, I felt lonelier than ever. Feeling like an alien came back. Although I had a boyfriend and some friends, no one was as close to me as her, and her death threw me into a deep, almost unbearable depression.
I thought I’d be forever alone. Again feeling like an alien, I withdrew deeply into myself. I read books, watched a lot of Netflix, engaged in art… I found fulfillment as a mother, but no matter how happy I was for all the beautiful things, I still somehow felt lonely when I was in a crowd. For example, I started doing pilates, and it was hard for me to fit in. I joined a Latin dance class, and I thought nobody liked me… At old jobs and the new one, I had the impression that nobody wanted to hang out with me…
And then, I had an epiphany… What if it’s about me, not them? :/ I’m the one with the wrong approach!
Honestly, I didn’t want to be lonely anymore. I realized that I had always set high standards. Why do I have to find a person with whom I’m 100% compatible? 80%? What if it’s okay to have more people with whom I’m 10% compatible? 15%? 5%? What if it’s okay to find at least one little common thing with each person? Also, I was chasing the wrong people, those who weren’t open to hanging out with me.
But then, one day, I started calling people who were open to socializing to meet and do something fun!
I Started Healing Feeling like an Alien because I Wanted Better Things in Life
I realized I’m not an alien. It’s not true that I can’t get along with people and that nobody is like me. I’m not an introvert who can’t fit in. In college, I was just chasing the wrong people, those who already had other priorities and didn’t find time to dedicate to me. I was running after those who weren’t that interested in me, making me feel like I wasn’t cool enough. But I realized there’s always someone who wants to hang out with me. There’s always that one guy who sees me as the ideal of beauty, even if I’m not to the majority. At least one colleague from work wants to talk to me about her day.
Yes, the boring aunt from abroad doesn’t interest me, but she always cares about me and sends me recipes for lovely cakes. The older neighbor always smiles at me when he’s going for the newspapers and is always up for telling me about his youth.
So what if they’re different from me and not what I imagined? Okay, I don’t need glamorous friends, but I can surround myself with people who do care about me. The point is, we’re all different, and we learn from each other! That’s why I opened up to the older neighbors, the boring aunts, the little kids who love showing me their toys… A friend can be anyone. Even a little frog on the way home or a tree I hug when I feel lonely.
A Change for the Better!
I began to change. At salsa parties, I started to talk more with new people, invite the girls from dance class for coffee, and found out they think I’m pretty cool! I began to chat with the women I train pilates with. At work, I started asking my colleagues how they are and really listened to them. Overall, I opened up more to giving attention, support, and understanding wholeheartedly, without expecting anything in return. I became grateful for having a boyfriend who tries to understand me, even if he doesn’t understand everything. He wasn’t what I imagined, but he doesn’t have to be. The important thing is that he appreciates me.
I also started to enjoy just being there for people, listening to them, making a presentation to help them at work, cooking something nice for them, and so on.
And you know what? For a while now, I haven’t felt lonely anymore!
I also started to show my vulnerability to everyone, to talk about how much I miss my sister who passed away, to openly say how shy I am, but that I want to develop relationships…
Most people are actually understanding; you just have to open up to the fact that it’s not scary if someone rejects us sometimes. I believe people aren’t naturally introverted. When someone rejects us a lot in childhood, we withdraw and somehow become bitter towards the world. But we need companionship, love, attention, and understanding. I thought I was an introvert, but then I realized I was just afraid to show people who I am and be rejected.
Working on Ourselves Is Essential
But I worked on it. Now I have friends everywhere, and each of them is great at something! I take one friend to dance salsa, another is great for gossiping about guys she likes… I have a friend with whom I make perfect pastries, and another one to go to the pool with. With one guy friend, I discuss philosophy and esotericism over some good tea, and with my boyfriend, I can talk about anything openly now. Even my boyfriend isn’t 100% like me, but that’s totally OK because we can complement each other.
I wanted to write this because it really helped me understand that there are no people who are 100% compatible with us. But a kindred spirit can be someone who is quite different from us. The important thing is that we share at least some little things in life, and sometimes not even that much. Just that both people want to work on the same relationship. I’m not a loner anymore, I don’t hate the whole world… On the contrary, I realized that people can be really great!
Many of us suffer in today’s world and are depressed because we socialize very little. I honestly believe that socialization is one of the remedies for depression. Even if we think we don’t understand someone, when we realize that they are human beings who struggle in this world, miracles happen. We all just need more love and understanding.
I don’t feel lonely anymore, and not only that! Now I have more opportunities because I know more people. Having many acquaintances is good for both the psyche and many aspects of life. Yes, books and Netflix are great, but not all the time.
